Earlier this week, my mom, brother, and I headed up to North Carolina to see our family. As usual, we enjoyed our visit. I got to spend time with my grandparents and, of course, see all my hilarious little cousins. As I've said many times before, I absolutely love my family, wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.
While we were up there, my uncle was having some health problems and had to be admitted into the hospital. It wasn't anything life-threatening, he's stable now, and my whole family is simply thankful to God for once again watching out for us. When we went to see him, he was being his usual funny self, and it made me feel a little more at peace about it. Regardless that the situation was well-controlled, it reminded me of how difficult it is to see someone you care about in pain.
You want to be with them. But sometimes, it's better not to be.
Actually, my mom's going through the same thing right now. That's also part of what brought this up. Her aunt has been diagnosed with a terminal cancer. They recently sent her home because there's no longer anything they can do for her, and although my mother loves her aunt very much, she's not been to see her. She's not even sure if she will go to see her.
And you know what? I don't blame her.
All my life, I've watched my father struggle with back problems, so I know firsthand how it feels to be the one standing at the bedside. I've come to terms with that powerless feeling, knowing that all the good vibes, crossed-fingers, and hoping you do, won't change anything. I've stood there awkwardly, time after time, considering how worthless my presence really is. I know how it feels to pray so much for someone that, sometimes, it's the only prayer you pray at night.
I know how it feels to be perfectly fine and hurt anyway. I know how it feels to hurt with someone.
So, I know. I know how it feels to simply suppress the thoughts. You curse every second that you had to spend with that person while they were hurting because every second is now a lifetime in your memories. God knows, I don't want anymore memories of people in pain, no one does.
Maybe it's a selfish way of thinking. Frankly, I don't care.
Some people are okay with it. It doesn't bother them as much, and that's just who they are. Sometimes, it's necessary to go, to be there because sometimes you just need them, pain and all. But ultimately, no one, no human being should have to go through life with those reflections of suffering in their loved one's eyes. It's just not fair.