Have you ever stopped and considered if what you were doing at the time mattered? If what you were doing was worth it? If the path you were headed down was the right one to even be on?
I have time and time again. I've questioned my purpose in life quite a bit lately. And God has become increasingly silent on the subject. It's hard to justify any life-altering pursuit in general but justifying a pursuit that's both ambiguous and seemingly unsupported is impossible.
All my life, I've searched for affirmation. Affirmation from teachers, from bosses, friends, family, God. I suppose it's human nature that causes me to feel the way I do. Everyone, in some way or another, manipulates their environment and those in it to get what they want. It's survivalist, even primitive. But regardless of how I approach it, I've come to realize that I have a blinding fear of rejection, a fear that has crippled me from moving onward.
I've reached a point of spiritual stagnation where I absolutely cannot grow any more, cannot make another important decision until I find certainty. There's a role I'm to fulfill somewhere, a purpose that's concealed by time. There's more to this life than what my generation is so quick to default to. Temporary highs and shredding your dignity, there's no meaning in it, no wholesome gratification. It's disoriented hopelessness...a literal waste of life. And I don't want it.
I want purpose. Whether that purpose is in the dirt roads of a third-world village, serving my country on the front-lines, in a corporate office boardroom, or wherever else, that's entirely up to God.
But it's entirely up to me to find it.