Crossroads.

Have you ever stopped and considered if what you were doing at the time mattered? If what you were doing was worth it? If the path you were headed down was the right one to even be on?

I have time and time again. I've questioned my purpose in life quite a bit lately. And God has become increasingly silent on the subject. It's hard to justify any life-altering pursuit in general but justifying a pursuit that's both ambiguous and seemingly unsupported is impossible.

All my life, I've searched for affirmation. Affirmation from teachers, from bosses, friends, family, God. I suppose it's human nature that causes me to feel the way I do. Everyone, in some way or another, manipulates their environment and those in it to get what they want. It's survivalist, even primitive. But regardless of how I approach it, I've come to realize that I have a blinding fear of rejection, a fear that has crippled me from moving onward.

I've reached a point of spiritual stagnation where I absolutely cannot grow any more, cannot make another important decision until I find certainty. There's a role I'm to fulfill somewhere, a purpose that's concealed by time. There's more to this life than what my generation is so quick to default to. Temporary highs and shredding your dignity, there's no meaning in it, no wholesome gratification. It's disoriented hopelessness...a literal waste of life. And I don't want it.

I want purpose. Whether that purpose is in the dirt roads of a third-world village, serving my country on the front-lines, in a corporate office boardroom, or wherever else, that's entirely up to God.

But it's entirely up to me to find it.

The DCP Series: Done.

"All the adversity I've had in my life, all my struggles and obstacles have strengthened me. You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you."

- Walt Disney

Walt was right, as he usually is when it comes to life experience. And four months later, I can wholeheartedly say that's what the Disney College Program was for me: a life experience. The DCP journey is a voyage of self-discovery and a rollercoaster of emotions. It's a constant reminder that every day can throw you through an unexpected loop or a sharp turn in another direction. But again, that's life.

The program isn't all stress and worry about what's to come. There's also an element of ever-growing excitement, a promise that tomorrow, while unknown, won't be anything like today. Each new day has the potential to be something incredible, something that many might not ever have the opportunity to see or hear or do, something...well, magical. But the magic and what made the entire experience was interacting with other CPs, making friends, and living in one of the most exciting cities in the US. Because if it weren't for that, the work and the idiotic management and the overall anal vibe that the Walt Disney Company exudes from its every orifice would be utterly intolerable. I won't get into the details of work or the daily grind of working for the Mouse, but just understand it's not glamorous and nothing like the recruiting videos.

I could talk all day about my mixed feelings about the various aspects of the program, but to sum it up...

- DON'T do the program if you're looking for an internship to learn a trade from.

- DON'T do the program if you think it will teach you anything that is directly applicable to a future job.

- DO the program if you want to get away from school/home/work for awhile.

- DO the program if you want to meet new people and have new experiences you wouldn't otherwise get the chance to experience.
- DO the program if you're looking for a one-of-a-kind life experience.

Would I do it over again if I could go back? Without a doubt. But would I ever consider doing another program? Not a chance. It's safe to assume that, by the end of the program, every CP knows whether he or she belongs at Disney. My verdict? A resounding no. Yours? That's entirely up to you.

Saved.

I fully believe that God saves those who ask Him to do so. I believe He takes the blame, the punishment, takes it all. However, the force that drives a person to that point of absolution, that I believe is not God directly, but rather something or someone put into place by God.

God saved my soul through salvation. His death upon the cross and my genuine acceptance of that gesture, that gift is what ensures I am saved. But my actual life is a different story. My physical, corrupted existence is full of kinks and blemishes, bouts of depression, sickness, anger, rebellion. I'm not innately good. No self-generated goodness or light shines at my core. There is only humanity, infected with sin.

That being said, things I know that are wrong are alluring. I'm not going to deny it. If you're honest with yourself, you would also admit that temptation is a persistent, daily siege. Human nature doesn't take breaks. There is no down time. God is the only good in me, the only preventative factor keeping me from ruining my life, from destroying myself and my future. However, it's not His face that pops into my head every time I feel conviction.

God has manifested His love to me through my family, my friends, and most importantly, my Molly. They are literal, physical representations of how God always has and always will take care of me. It's why I do what I do, why I fight to separate myself from sin. When I start to lose sight of my morals or goals or just myself, I don't see God's face. I see Molly's. And I think God planned for it to be that way.

I never planned on falling in love so early on in my life. I never intended to actually contemplate marriage and a family and "settling down" at the ripe age of 20. 

But by the grace of God, I did. 

By the grace of God, I fell in love exactly when I needed to, just before I would move to one of the sleeziest cities on the planet to be submersed in temptation, just before I would be presented with an incredible job opportunity that I know in my heart I could never take. She's that extra push towards the right choices, what keeps me sober, keeps me safe.

I believe God saves people in different ways, whether it's through a friend, a job, a disease even. I believe God can use anything. Sometimes we feel like He isn't present, like the going is getting tougher than we can bear, but that's never the case with God.

You may not be able to see God Himself standing there by your side, but if you look around...you're bound to see His love.