A couple days ago, I recieved a letter from the Tennessee state represenative, John J. Duncan.
After finding out who he was and why I should give a crap about his letter, I actually sat down and considered what he wrote to me. Truthfully, I think he wrote it because someone forced him to. Why else would someone who holds a seat in the House of Representatives write me? Shouldn't he be playing golf or wooing his secretary or something?
Regardless of his true reasoning however, I reserve the right to deduct whatever I want from it. Here's what it said:
I was pleased to learn that you have been recognized as a News-Sentinel Academic Achiever.
(Oh, I'm sure you were, and how many names have you typed into that blank, Johnny?)
I am a big sports fan, but I also have long felt that we do not give enough recognition to those who do well in their studies as opposed to those who do well in athletics.
(I actually laughed aloud at this. Basically, he needed to find something nice to say while informing all the recipients of this letter that we're just a bunch of nerds.)
It is always pleasant to see a person recognized for scholastic ability and hard work. I am sure you have spent many long hours studying to attain this honor.
(You swear this was like my life goal. I didn't know it even existed until today.)
Congratulations on this accomplishment, and best wishes for every success in the future. If I may be of assistance to you in any way, please do not hesitate to let me know.
(Assistance, huh? A couple hundred thousand bucks couldn't hurt...)
With kindest regards, I am
*FANCY ILLEGIBLE SIGNATURE*
John J. Duncan, Jr.
Member of Congress
(Love you too, man.)
Yes, I know. I know. I'm horribly cynical.
But can you blame me? Afterall, I am dealing with a politician.