Breaking Point.

That trapped feeling that always comes with this time of year is here once again. I can feel my days shortening, my calendar filling, my life locking into a routine. And, to be honest, it's kind of depressing.

I can't fully put my heart into anything anymore. Even when I'm surrounded by people and things I love, I can't focus on enjoying the moment. I just sit, watching the clock and dreading the next day that will be filled with tedium, much like the next three months. I can't entirely blame it on school, but that's a big contributor to this yearly dilemma. Essentially, I'm at the mercy of my schedule. The free time I have is limited and sporadic, and half the time, I'm too exhausted to take advantage of it.

Life moves on, time will pass, things will change, etc. etc. I get that, really. But by fully accepting all the stress and the sheer amount of work I will have to do is bringing me down. Way down.

I'm not posting this to gather up a pity party. I don't want motivational speeches or pep talks. I just need prayers.

I've come to the point where I've considered dropping out, working for awhile, and maybe coming back in a couple years. I've had to reassess what I want to do with my life, who I want to be someday. I've had to play through scenario after scenario in my head, and I've had to consider some big decisions that I will inevitably have to make. 

I want to do whatever God wants me to do, but sometimes...most of the time, I don't know what that is. I'm waiting for some magical door to fly open with all the answers to my problems, but the chances of that happening seem to lessen everyday. An epiphany, a vision, a premonition, I need something tangible to grasp and wholeheartedly believe is my life's goal and purpose.

I'm holding tight to Corinthians 10:13, but my faith is being pushed to it's limits. I desperately want answers, but at this point, I know nothing other than to pray and wait.
    

Hope.

Ultimately, with every new life, there is a promise of death. This is fact.

But when a life is cut short, when that inevitable end comes sooner than expected, that's when we lose our grasp. There's no official guide that explains God's reasoning or His timing. Regardless of age or health, regardless of what state of life we're in, we can never truly be certain of how much time we have left.

As a Christian, I believe God can and will use the worst of situations to do wonderful, even beautiful things. However, until I meet my Maker face to face, I will never comprehend the purpose of a life cut short. In those situations, the best we can do is pray. We can pray that God gives the family peace, comforts them in their mourning, but beyond that, we're powerless. Some argue that it's not right to question God, but sometimes, it's inevitable. Sometimes, that one word is all that we think about, consuming us and forcing it's way through our lips, "Why?"

Sometimes, we spend long nights on our knees repeating that simple, unavoidable question.

But in the end, it's not always our place to know God's plan. That's what faith is for. Only through faith can we rest assured that He is in control, He does have a reason, and it is for the best, even if it doesn't always seem that way.

Faith, while fragile, is the structure that we must frame our lives with. Despite every obstacle, every tragedy we face, faith keeps us in check. Knowing there's a God who does, in fact, love us reassures us in the hardest of times. Though the tears may come and disfigure the path, blur our vision, God is there to pick us up, dust us off, and show us that the peace He brings surpasses anything this life can throw at us. Faith stirs within us something not everyone can claim.

Hope.

Hope which sprouts joy in the midst of our sorrow and pain. Joy that while a life was ended here on this earth, life has begun anew with the Creator, a perfect life devoid of physical pain and heartache, a life that can never be lost.

I love you Popaw, and I'm praying for you and your family. Hold tight to the memories you have of your precious sister, and take heart in the wonderful truth that, one day, you will see her again.
     

Stuff.

There are boocoos (as my momaw would say) of things swirling through my head, and rather than write a book, I'm going to do the minimalist thing and make a list. Hooray for laziness!

1. I've gotten back into drawing and painting and such. It's a pretty good stress reliever, plus it helps cover up holes on the walls in my room. Bonus! I've also tried to teach myself some new songs on piano, mostly Adele songs because, I mean, once you go Adele, you never go back.

2. I get a new phone in October, which is incredible news for those of you who have seen my phone. It has a will of it's own, calling and texting people in other states who I've never spoken to. Or better, texting people I know to inform them that they "probably have cancer." Oh, and calling the cops while I'm at work. Thanks for that, LG.

3. It's UNBELIEVABLY hot. The sun has taken some issue with Tennessee and is now trying to destroy it by drying out the ground in hopes the whole state will just spontaneously combust. Unfortunately, it's so humid here that the air replenishes the earth's water supply as quickly as it's evaporating. If only we were so lucky to spontaneously combust...

4. College classes are starting again in a couple weeks. That's not as thrilling as it sounds, and it didn't sound very thrilling to begin with. I loathe being confined to that campus all day, walking around in the beams of death falling from the sun or, in winter, having to ice skate to class. I managed to squeeze all the credit hours I needed into two days this semester with the occasional Monday lab. That's tolerable, right? Actually, "sufferable" is a better word.

5. Chick-fil-A is getting on my nerves. I know I should be thankful I have a job in these hard times, unemployment is skyrocketing, the apocalypse is nigh, etc. etc. It's kind of depressing when you make 1.2 billion chicken sandwiches in an hour and you look up and realize they've all been sold and you need more. Or better, when you get a complaint from a customer that the cores of her tomato slices "were not properly removed." Really? Bite me.

6. My friend, Maddy B, dropped off the face of the earth for a few months and has emerged a professional photographer! You want to click here and check out her stuff. You also want to subscribe, so you can get album after album of awe-inspiring photographed goodness right to your email. Do it.


Welp, that's all I got. If I left anything out, I'll add it later. Probably not actually.