Saturday, August 20, 2011

Breaking Point.

That trapped feeling that always comes with this time of year is here once again. I can feel my days shortening, my calendar filling, my life locking into a routine. And, to be honest, it's kind of depressing.

I can't fully put my heart into anything anymore. Even when I'm surrounded by people and things I love, I can't focus on enjoying the moment. I just sit, watching the clock and dreading the next day that will be filled with tedium, much like the next three months. I can't entirely blame it on school, but that's a big contributor to this yearly dilemma. Essentially, I'm at the mercy of my schedule. The free time I have is limited and sporadic, and half the time, I'm too exhausted to take advantage of it.

Life moves on, time will pass, things will change, etc. etc. I get that, really. But by fully accepting all the stress and the sheer amount of work I will have to do is bringing me down. Way down.

I'm not posting this to gather up a pity party. I don't want motivational speeches or pep talks. I just need prayers.

I've come to the point where I've considered dropping out, working for awhile, and maybe coming back in a couple years. I've had to reassess what I want to do with my life, who I want to be someday. I've had to play through scenario after scenario in my head, and I've had to consider some big decisions that I will inevitably have to make. 

I want to do whatever God wants me to do, but sometimes...most of the time, I don't know what that is. I'm waiting for some magical door to fly open with all the answers to my problems, but the chances of that happening seem to lessen everyday. An epiphany, a vision, a premonition, I need something tangible to grasp and wholeheartedly believe is my life's goal and purpose.

I'm holding tight to Corinthians 10:13, but my faith is being pushed to it's limits. I desperately want answers, but at this point, I know nothing other than to pray and wait.