Friday, April 29, 2011


If you're a tanaholic (or just of the female race), could you maybe explain the concept behind spray tans? Because as far as I'm concerned, there's no legitimate reason available as to why you would compromise your natural skin color to look like a walking Crayola.

Anyways, one of my coworkers falls into this category. Her goal, I've gathered, is to be the darkest hue available to Caucasians, and to achieve it, she not only lays out in the sun, she goes to a tanning bed, and uses "pigmentation lotion." Yeah, word it however you want, it's a spray tan.

This triple threat combination has left her very, VERY dark. We're not talking golden or even crispy. I'm saying oil spill, piano black, Mediterranean dark. And well, she's got this kind tint to her skin now.

Me, being me, I informed her of this in the best way possible, through a series of orange-themed insults. Before you freak out thinking I'm a completely heartless jerk, keep in mind that she's my friend, and we joke around quite a bit. It goes without saying that she has her own list of insults for me, but if I showed you those, I'd probably have to change the adult content filter for my blog. So, here's a few of my wholesome (and tastefully done) insults:

"Well on the bright side, you don't have to paint up for football games anymore!"

Responding to one of her insults:

"Oh whatever. Don't you have somewhere else to be? Like a lollipop guild meeting or something?"

Talking to one of my friends (with her standing close by):

"WHAT? Sorry, I can't hear you over her tan."

As she's leaving work:

"Be careful going home. If you get lost, remember to follow the yellow-brick road."

After she threw water on me (to get back at me for my earlier comments):

"I'd do the same to you, but I wouldn't want to clean a big orange puddle off the floor."

And my personal favorite...

"Hey Snooki, when does next season start?"