For the past few days or so, I've been down and out. I haven't become emo or anything else that requires dark makeup and death metal. It's, more or less, a conglomeration of several different things going on in my life right now, not just that horribly depressing blog I wrote yesterday. But I'm working through it, mostly me and God with a little advice thrown in from a few close friends.
I'm horrible at showing my emotions. I rarely do, and even when I do, I usually do a really crappy job at it. I've attempted to contain all my drama, offering fake smiles to conceal what I've been feeling. That's why, I think, this last little while has been so difficult for me. Wearing my emotions on my sleeves makes me unstable, even more so than I usually am.
Last night and for the majority of this morning, I prayed nonstop for God to show me what was wrong with me, to somehow bring me peace, joy even. At church today, I felt bitter and apathetic towards pretty much everyone I came into contact with. But God, in His usual way of fixing everything I've screwed up, spoke to me through the message. I'm not talking about the usual bull where you pretend that whatever was said was "just what you needed." This was straight up conviction.
Tim Lee, a retired Marine and Vietnam Veteran, spoke at church today. He gave his testimony, which tells the story of how he lost both of his legs to a landmine. He told his story with such passion and forcefulness that I felt compelled to listen. Despite how incredible his story was as a whole, the aspect that floored me was how God changed drastically changed his life in a matter of months. From a troubled teen rebelling against God, to a Marine, to a man without half of his body who loves God with all his heart. Tim was unbelievably encouraging, and his story only further proves that God can use anyone, even the broken and the abused.
I left church today realizing that all the problems in my life that I've spent so much time dwelling on are all in God's hands, they're so small compared to His power. Tim Lee's problems and struggles were so much worse than mine, even to the point of physically disabling him, but through God, he was able to live on, happy and serving. It showed me that whatever God has in store for me will come about, regardless of what this world throws at me. For the first time in quite awhile now, I was reminded what it means to be saved, what it means to have hope, and most importantly, what it means to be loved.