Wednesday, July 7, 2010


I can't shake this feeling that I'm lost.

Lately, everything that I do has some element of uncertainty attached to it. I don't know what my goals are, I don't know what my future holds, and I am most definitely lacking in the faith department right now. I'm sick to my stomach just considering how incredibly lost I am.

God has always been there for me, directing my life in the way which I thought it was supposed to go. Now, I'm not so sure. I don't really know who I am, nor who I want to be. For the longest time, I've done what I felt was neccessary to succeed, to survive. Never once have I considered what I need to thrive. Which, I'm certain, God has laid out for me.

But I'm all talk, or all text as it were. I can sit here and reiterate again and again the importance of trusting in Christ. I can make it bold, put it in italics, underline it, and color it pink, but at the end of the day I will still be a backslidden hypocrite who doesn't take the time to consider how inevitably true the words on this page are. I'm decieving myself by saying I'll practice what I preach, by saying I'll change.

In all actuality, I'll brush it aside and feel no remorse.

This can't go on any longer. It has to stop. I have to face the inescapable truth that regardless of what I say, 90% of the time, I'm doing what David wants. Not what God wants. This hole inside of me is going to continue to eat away at me, not because I don't have God, but because I've pushed Him away. So very far away.

My relationship with Christ has gradually fallen down my priority list, and I realize now that it should be my number one priority. Nothing is greater, higher, or more important than His presence in my life. I need it now more than ever. Because honestly, without it, I'm alone.

Outside of God, I have nothing to offer this world, and this world has nothing to offer me. For what would it benefit a man to gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?

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