Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Mentally Legendary.

So, this kid I met this week? He was the epitome of the phrase, "legend in his own mind".

Honestly, I doubt anyone can love themselves more than he did. In a love-yourself contest, he would destroy anyone and everyone who got in his way without causing any potential danger to his face. Because if his face was to become in anyway harmed, the quality of all life on Earth would be HEAVILY DEGRADED.

First, I sat through his life story...twice. He proceeded to inform me that he had been kicked out of every school in Tennessee and California. As to why he chose those two states, I am not certain. But being the kind person I am, I pretended to buy the crap he was force feeding me. After a few times of saying "Oh, that's nice." and "Wow. That's interesting.", I gathered that in his fantasy realm he has beaten up over 35 children resulting in his expulsion from every school he's ever attended, but it's "not his fault, it's the schizophrenia and Tourettes."

He also claimed he'd won the fights. All of them.

Now, I need you to look at the width of the text you're reading. That's around the size of his arms, give or take a few centimeters. He probably weighed 75lbs soaking wet, and the people he claimed to have practically killed with his amazing strength were all described as much larger.

His greasy hair in his face and beanie told me several things about who he was...or pretended to be, so I asked him if he skateboarded.

Big mistake.

He then told me about his "career" as a pro-skater, surfer, snowboarder, AND golfer. According to him, Pluto "pays him to skate for them" because he's just that good. Oh, and he also claimed that he was supposed to be in last month's Sports Illustrated, but he couldn't make it for the photo shoot.

Darn. I was really looking forward to reading that article.

After listening to him for awhile, his nose was growing far too large for the tiny room we were in, and my IQ was dropping by the second, so I tried to wrap it up by asking a very broad question:

"So, with all of these obligations, how do you work everything into your schedule?"

And I swear to you, he said these exact words:

"Well, when you're a superhuman like me, you really don't have any limits to what you can do."

OH! A superhuman! I feel so honored to have been graced with your presence! I can't wait to tell all my friends.

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