Open Letters: Anonymous Stalker Edition.

Dear hater,

You've been begging for a reaction, so here it is, pal. I hope it makes you as happy as you've made me. It's not everyday I get to roast someone on a public forum, a pastime which I do so enjoy.

Spending your entire day flooding my blog with nonstop, rude, arrogant comments is juvenile and, more or less, proof that you lack the basic social skills required in maintaining a life of your own. Besides that, it shows me that you're hopelessly addicted to my blog.

Your diction, while impressive, is rather awkward and makes you sound like a middle school child who repeatedly consults your Thesaurus for "biggerer" words. (Although, I'm still not convinced you aren't just that.) Despite your obvious lack of education, your words are rather abrasive. I'll admit, you've got some pretty big balls...but only while you're hiding behind that anonymous nametag. Outside of that facade, that sword of a tongue you have would be rather dull, would it not?

I realize you only attack me and my friends because you're jealous of how overwhelmingly hilarious and interesting I am when compared to you. The "golden image" that you continually refer to in your comments is, in essence, just my amazing life. Just be aware that, regardless of how much you pester me, you can't be me.

I know, I know...it's alright. You can cry. I would too.

Anyways, I've enabled comment moderation (which you've undoubtedly noticed by now), so I can save my friends and family the trouble of reading through your trash. I've also submitted your IP adress to the blog mods up at Google (the people who own this joint), and any subsequent posts from you will be considered harassment.

Basically, I've got my hata blockas up. Thanks for playing!

Much love from the epitome of your hopes and dreams,

David

Editors Note:
Dedicated to my aunt, who is the queen of writing hilarious open letters...and who helped me figure out how to change my settings to deal with creepy blog stalkers.

Boundaries.

I've found there is a limit to everything under the sun. That old saying "too much of a good thing, is a bad thing" is dead on.

In example, having someone's back is a good thing...in moderation. Stalking someone, bugging their phones, and suggesting the numbers of local practitioners that "may have what you need" is clearly NOT a good thing.

Despite any inane reasoning or justification you may have built up in your mind, the person you are "looking out for" won't be appreciative when they notice you across the street with binoculars. In fact, they'll probably call the police and/or bust a cap in you. No joke.

I say these mildly disturbing things because I have experienced this rare type of lunacy first hand. Maybe not to this extent, but I digress.

Heed my warning: keep yourself in check, and let your friends do the same.

Granted, if you see your friend purchase what appears to be a bag of snow from a hooded figure in a dark alley, feel free to hide in a bush and find out what's up. But besides that very unlikely situation, there's no reason to drive your large white van around your friend's neighborhood wearing infared goggles.

Because he or she WILL have you arrested or killed.