Phone: The Sequel!

As stated in my previous post, my cell phone is a bona fide BEAST. Seriously, I doubt even the combined efforts of Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer could break my phone. It's that tough.

How do you know it's that tough? You might ask. Well before I explain, you need to have read this, and if that's out of the way, prepare yourself for quite possibly the most elaborate tale ever based around a cell phone...

Succeeding the almost tragic drowning of my phone, I accepted a part-time job working for a local painting service. The owner, who attends my church, quickly dealt with the formalities and put me straight to work. Being the new kid, I was assigned with all the pointless errands and other crap that the boss didn't feel like doing himself.

Honestly though, it's understandable. If you have dominion over a plethora of expendable teenage labor, why not abuse...er...use it?

Anyway, several tasks were assigned to me, the main task being to drive through ritzy neighborhoods promoting my new manager's business through the use of neon yellow fliers. Not only did I have to use my own gas to make the deliveries AND drive with a stack of those glowing papers in my lap, but I also was forced to drive past countless envy-inducing homes that appeared to have come directly from an episode of Cribs. No joke.

In fact, my manager's exact words were, "If the house doesn't look like it's worth 300 thousand, it's not worth our time." Now don't get me wrong...I'm aware of the economic crisis, but do you think that might be overkill? Just a little? I mean, unless you're melting gold and applying it to the walls, your paint is no different than anyone elses'.

So back to the driving and coveting...as I finished off the last of the holier-than-thou neighborhoods, I decided to call my boss to check in and make sure there were no other assignments for me. So, I reached in my pockets for my cell phone...

...nothing.

Felt around under the seat...

...still nothing.

Pulled over in a parking lot and searched my car...

...absolutely nothing.

By this point, I had realized that my phone had fallen out of my car, and I had broken into a cold sweat and had begun hyperventilating. I'm sure all of the people in that parking lot thought I was a hot mess, but honestly, I didn't care. All I cared about was how much time I had before my boss or parents called with no answer and discovered my costly mistake. Racing home, I frantically thought up an explanation to give my father, but to my surprise when I got home, he had some words for me...

Dad: "Called your phone, and some guy answered it. Here's the address for you to go pick it up."

Seriously? It was that easy? Needless to say, I drove at a much safer pace on my return trip, and arrived to be greeted by a very large, old man with a thick Southern drawl...

Me: "You find a phone?"

Man: "You lose one?"

(Nah, I'm taking a poll to see how many people find phones in their yards. Thanks for your input!)

Me: "Yeah."

Man: [Handing it to me] "Well, yer lucky I found it. It musta fell outta yer car inta the yard. Didn' even notice it til I run it over wit my mower. Than it a started rangin'."

....is that...even...possible? Clearly, the Incredible Hulk died and his spirit lives on within the confounds of my cellular device because the fact it survived is on the verge of an impossibility. It still works to this day. Honest.

If not the trapped spirit of a Marvel Comics character, it had to have been divine intervention which kept my phone in tact. And all I can say is, God bless America...

...and God bless the makers of LG phones.

Phone.

Undoubtedly, one of the most essential items I possess is my cell phone. It's like a mobile lifeline that connects me to pretty much anyone anywhere at anytime. But my phone is not your ordinary cellular device. No, after much deliberation, I have decided the hardware for this phone was originally designed by the U.S. Military as an indestructable telecommunications device and was mistakenly placed on an LG assembly line. Let me explain...

Over the course of the summer, I visited the community pool several times. Apparently, it's the only pool with in a five thousand mile radius because by 10am there is always an uncontrollable mob of parentless children. So, to avoid the crowd, I typically try to limit my visits to the early hours of the morning.

For those of you who don't know me, I am NOT a morning person. The first hour of my day consists of moaning, drooling, tripping over things, and walking into walls. It's hard enough being 6 feet tall and not tripping over anything, but in the morning...absolutely impossible.

However, I managed to wake up and get to the pool early that day, and thankfully, there was no one there. The first few minutes of my swim were a bit groggy, but the chilly water eventually woke me up and brought me to realize...my cell phone was still in my pocket.

If there was ever a proper occasion for me to use the term "OMG", that was definitely it.

Upon realizing this terrifying fact I proceeded in literally leaping out of the pool, yanking it out of my shorts, and drying it off. Once I finished my frantic attempt to revive my phone, I pressed the power button...

...and to my absolute shock it worked.

Still to this day, it works. Keep in mind this phone was submersed in several feet of water for more than two minutes. Also keep in mind that this phone is made of cheap Japanese plastic. ALSO keep in mind that this same phone has fallen out of a moving vehicle into someone's yard only to be hit by a lawnmower...

But that? Is a completely different story.